Conspiracy Theory

Audrey Rose hadn’t dreamt in weeks. When she fell asleep all she saw was white. At first she thought it was happening because she was so busy unearthing conspiracy theories, but after the first week, she thought something more was going on.

---

Diet sodas were the problem. Audrey Rose was a big fan of Coca Cola. For a month she dieted on M&M’s and Coca Cola. A great mix, really. But after all that sugar, she wanted something a little fresher in her mouth, so she started drinking Diet Coke. Within an hour after drinking the soda Audrey Rose became hungry. She wanted to stuff her face with steak and potatoes, cookies, burger, spaghetti, pretty much anything she could get her hands on. So she ate until her belly distended. They she washed down the food with another Diet Coke and within the hour she was hungry again. A few days later, extra pounds were jiggling all over her body. It was fascinating to watch her skin extend to accommodate the new fat cells that were taking over her limbs, her belly and her behind. The more Diet Coke she drank, the more weight she put on. Very fishy. So, Audrey Rose decided to do some research.

According to the Aspartame Consumer Safety Network Fact Sheet, aspartame can cause the following symptoms: headaches, nausea, vertigo, insomnia, numbness, blurred vision, blindness and other eye problems, memory loss, slurred speech, depression, personality changes, hyperactivity, stomach disorders, seizures, skin lesions, rashes, anxiety attacks, muscle cramping and joint pain, loss of energy, symptoms mimicking heart attacks, hearing loss and ear ringing, and loss or change of taste.

Not only that, but Audrey Rose had heard that in lab tests, mice given repeated doses of aspartame had holes in their brains. Seriously, this was worse than the cigarette conspiracy.

Audrey Rose threw on her superhero cape and headed down to the hospital to talk to a nurse. The woman was dressed in white like her dreams.

“I’ve been drinking Diet Coke for a week now, am I going to die?” Audrey Rose asked as she swung her legs from the examination table.

The nurse smiled. “Not from a week’s worth, but you could have some problems if you drink a few diet sodas a day for the rest of your life.”

“Good. Now that I’ve saved my life, back to my original conspiracy theory.”

“Which is?” asked the nurse.

“I believe the diet soda industry is putting a chemical in their drinks that stimulates the appetite so you eat more. The more you eat, the worse you feel about your body and the more you drink diet soda. Brilliant for a multi-billion dollar a year industry.”

“You aren’t that far off. Aspartame doesn’t kill the bodies craving for sugar; it can in fact trigger it. Your body isn’t fooled or filled by products that have aspartame in them.”

“I knew it!” Audrey Rose said jumping off the examination table. “Those bastards. At least with Coca Cola, they only used to add cocaine and coincidentally still buy coca leaves for some unknown purpose, but hell, Coke fills me up and makes me feel good. Diet Coke, not so much.”

“My advice is to lay off the diet sodas. When you’re eating, think about what nature produces and stick to that. Chemicals in foods are dangerous. We don’t know half the side effects of the products on the market especially in all the combinations people are consuming them in. I recommend staying away from artificial sweeteners, fat-free products. Eat sensibly and you’ll live a long life.”

Audrey Rose gave the nurse a huge hug. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” she sang as she skipped out of the office.

To celebrate, Audrey Rose prepared herself a feast of bananas, chocolate and steak with no hormones added. Just as nature intended and she washed it all down with a Coca Cola. When she was done, she felt completely satisfied.

---

That night as Audrey Rose closed her eyes to sleep, the white turned to color.

-Do not attempt to recreate the events of Audrey Rose’s life. They may result in internal or external death, or at the very least a yeast infection.

What’s your conspiracy theory? Email dagny@undiscoveredearth.com